Grief and Grace

Just over two weeks ago we got the devastating news that our nearly 20 yr old granddaughter had died. It appeared she had taken her own life. It made no sense. She was into everything and had all sorts of plans for the future.  Only after an extensive police investigation is it clear it was unintentional....but it has been so painful... such a waste of a wonderful, creative, zany, clever young woman. I have never had such a level of grief before - but at the same time we have been 'graced' to pray, hold onto the Word, declare the goodness of God, stand tall and not be crushed... I have been amazed at how we have felt a calm, solid, safe foundation under our feet, our hearts. It is clear our spirits have been anchored in 'The Rock of Ages' while our souls have gone through the roller-coaster of pain, confusion, anger, grief... At times I felt my body ached all over with what I was carrying.  But underneath this calm. So amazing.

And people have prayed and loved and given, and prayed and loved, and hugged and cried... such an outpouring of love. My husband said, "It is as times like this you realise how many people love you." Our three sons and their families gathered in Wellington (Ellie's dad had to fly home from Paris!) and in spite of the terrible reason for us all to be together... it was wonderful to spend 5 or 6 days grieving, remembering, sharing stories, eating together, wandering a beach or the waterfront... We have all bonded together on a whole new level.

This grace is astounding. Steve, Ellie's father, felt he could not fly back... it felt too hard. But he came. He felt he could not go to the funeral... but he came.  He couldn't imagine himself carrying out the casket... but he did. He was 'graced' beyond what he could imagine himself doing!  So have we been. This is the mercy of God. This is who he is.

I believe we have found him to be more 'able' than we had needed to before. "He is able to make all grace abound to you..."  Yes - he is able. People think we are being strong. But it is not of ourselves. We know that deeply. 

And almost daily people tell us how amazing the funeral was. That is because it was filled with hope and with love. The Word was declared over and over... as well as lovely stories of a delightful girl. We sang and prayed about HIM... as well as wept and held each other in our grief. Her mum, Mia, said at the final prayer time at the committal - "I always knew she was not mine to keep, so I give her to you Jesus. I know you will take good care of her."  Amazing - from a mum with an only child. So much grace.  We give glory to him... and anticipate more and more of his goodness coming out of this heartache.